Category Archives: Family

I Want No Distractions

11 October 2016.

Well I think it’s safe to say I lost my way a little.  30 day prompt has turned into quite a few months (9 months, but who’s counting) prompt. But not to fear, I’ve found my way back (for now). I suppose in some ways the timing is just right for this.

4/30. Future: Where do you want your future self to be? What do you want to overcome, what characteristics of yourself do you want to do away with?

I think I’m a little strange. I don’t think of where I want to be in the future. Sure, some things (quite a few things) about me I want to improve, my relationships, my sense of self, but where I’ll be… I just kind of float along with wherever life takes me. It’s a funny thing. Final year of university and everyone asks ‘so what are your plans?’ and they’re met with my blank face and a sheepish ‘I have not a clue’. And I truly don’t.

It’s  question that has been swimming around in my thoughts for quite some time. 5 years? Maybe more? Ah, the flaws of our education system. Asking an 18 year old to decide on what they want to be, who they want to be, nope, not buying it. I’ve made some mistakes and bad choices but someone recently said to me, “we learn from these things,” and I suppose they were right. I know they were right.

And yet I’ve never had clear visions of where I want to be. Sometimes it’s as if everyone but myself has that one thing that aspire towards, that one thing that means more or they are naturally better at. I don’t. I don’t have that one thing that drives me. And it occasionally makes me wonder if I’m somehow a little broken. I guess we all are. Or do people just fall so into something, it becomes their focus and maybe that makes *them* a little broken?

It’s all a little hazy. It feel somehow out of reach, to have a goal when even tomorrow is unpredictable. I suppose the sensible answer is that I’d like to have a job, have a husband, kids maybe? Definitely travelling the world at least once a year. All the usual things that make life, life. A life to me at least.

8 February 2017.

I started this post a long time ago and I’ve left it as it is. But my entire perspective has changed and I have changed. The death of someone close to me has made me so aware of certain things – Namely, that where I’ll be and who I’ll be in the future does not matter. What does matter is that I have the people I love around me for always, that I strive to maintain our relationships no matter the distance between us, that I put in the effort to reach out to people.

It’s an astonishing thing to realise how lacking you are in certain ways. I am somehow stronger after losing this person, but at the same time I look to myself and wonder if I will be able to hold onto this clarity I have on how to better myself as a person as time moves on. Because it’s going to shape me to some degree and then I will drift along again, aimless. And I will be numb. And soon the reality of life will hit again and I will lose another that I love. And the cycle will start again.

This is the reality of the life we will live and to try to forget. Death surrounds us. It is inevitable. And it is when you think of death that you realise who you want to be. Because the person you leave behind is all you will be remembered by. No amount of distraction will take away our inevitable.

So:

Future: Where do you want your future self to be? What do you want to overcome, what characteristics of yourself do you want to do away with?

I am tired. In my soul. I haven’t reached even a quarter of a century but the earth is full of vileness and hatred. And it makes me tired. I want my future self to be self-aware. Of herself. Of others. Of what others are going through. Putting herself in a place where she is able to help others. I don’t want to overcome things, I want to be able to learn to live with what surrounds us and shapes us. And I want to be able to live with the choices I make when life throws something at me. I would like to overcome two things that come to mind though: 1. My procrastination skills. 2. My ego.

I want to have a balance in my life. Just walk down the middle road and be content with what is given to me. That is it. Just be content with what you have.

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I Climb a Tree

3/30. Hey, I may not be so good at this 30 day writing challenge business but I’m still doing it. That counts, right!? Once again, unedited and glorious. Read on, my good fellows.

What stories do you know of your ancestors? What traits do you admire in them. What do you want future generations to to remember about you? What do you want to be known for when you leave this world?

So. To tell you of my history. I could start with specifics but I don’t like specifics. So I won’t be telling you any (that’s a lie, I love specifics). But anyhow, history. I know some of my ancestry. The problem I find is that no-one likes to speak ill of the dead, least of all loved ones and so what we learn of history is shrouded in this utopian version of whatever made these people human. And so, I do not have any specifics (I really like this word today).

But, my ancestors were traders. They journeyed across an ocean and persevered and became wealthy merchants, who did good for the world. They set up some of the first  educational facilities in that part of the world. I love that part. And then there is the part that I’m not so fond of. And my parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles all tell it the same way. These people became arrogant with their wealth and lost their senses. And so all of their wealth was taken from them. And then a murky history of war in the country and terrible living conditions and then my grandparents who gave up their lives and their homes to move to the UK to give their children a better future. And God, how they suffered. I’ve suffered racism but nothing to the extent they did. And knew the meaning of hard work and I feel like my generation have mostly forgotten. Because everything I have in my life came from their sacrifice.

So. History has it’s bad. And we’re humans, so we’ll never learn from it (I live in hope). And then there are the parts which inspire you to be better, to do better, to live better. How do I want future generations to remember me? I can’t give you specifics (drat, the darn word again) but I know I’d like to think that my descendants will think of me in the same vein that I think of my parents and grandparents. I’ve got a long way to go till I become that person. But I want to be known for being someone who made a change in the world, small or big, and never betrayed her principles to make it.

 

I Mourn

My mistake. My mistake for thinking you would be there as I grew older, that I would be able to hold your hand and hug you evermore. My mistake for not keeping you closer, not loving and caring for you, not calling you. My mistake. I mourn for these lost moment and I mourn because you have passed, just as we all will. Life is both beautiful and scary. The trees die and are born again when the new rain come and the new generation will pass to become the old.
It’s strange. To think that I am the new generation. These people I knew are leaving and I am already regretting. Death comes for us all and after that, we will not get a second chance. The time is now. We will not be able to come back once we are worm fodder in the ground.
I will miss you and remember you and pray for you. I know no other way. Drowning in mournful sighs would not please you. I will remember you.
As humans we are so fickle in our ways. We run, cowards, from death when we should be standing defiantly in it’s face. ‘You have followed me for every second of every day, yet today I go with the knowledge that there is nothing I can regret, nothing I would change, nothing that would make my life more then it was’. Instead, we build mountains of money, love, sex, rock and roll, in the hope that that day will not come, that we will not pass, never realising that running is not the answer. Cowardice. These riches and this greed will not help us. We will leave it behind to rot with us. The fear of the inevitable does not make it go away. It only makes us fools for living as if we will never die.

I Traverse

Worn and weary
     I traverse
             the earth
If only for that one moment
That I find contentment within
I shall be ever grateful
That I am not forgotten
For You remember me when I do not remember You
And for that
And that alone
I will walk on
    Tired and weary

Walk on I shall
For You and for you and for you
To whom I owe so much
To You and you all, I am forever grateful.

I Wish To Hold You

I wish to hold you and comfort you.
Take your pain and release you;
To give you hope, from the terror that plagues you.
My heart hurts for you and for your innocence. Lost in the bloodshed, you watch through pained eyes and your innocence dies like the leaves die in winter. Rivers of red that pour from your body. Your hope dies like the sun sets and yet you still believe, even as you are hopelessly stranded in this war torn and lifeless land.
I wish to hold you and comfort you. To hold you and bring you home.
When will this suffering end? An endless desert but I pray, just as billions do, that your suffering fades. I cry for your innocence, as you watch your brother and your sister, your aunt and your uncle, your mother and your father, left alone in this wasteland, they pass in pain, just as the dead earth cries for water, you watch through wounded eyes, and you silently cry for help. Chilling and terrifying.
I wish to hold you and comfort you.
I wish to hold you and bring you home.