Category Archives: Finding A Path

I Want No Distractions

11 October 2016.

Well I think it’s safe to say I lost my way a little.  30 day prompt has turned into quite a few months (9 months, but who’s counting) prompt. But not to fear, I’ve found my way back (for now). I suppose in some ways the timing is just right for this.

4/30. Future: Where do you want your future self to be? What do you want to overcome, what characteristics of yourself do you want to do away with?

I think I’m a little strange. I don’t think of where I want to be in the future. Sure, some things (quite a few things) about me I want to improve, my relationships, my sense of self, but where I’ll be… I just kind of float along with wherever life takes me. It’s a funny thing. Final year of university and everyone asks ‘so what are your plans?’ and they’re met with my blank face and a sheepish ‘I have not a clue’. And I truly don’t.

It’s  question that has been swimming around in my thoughts for quite some time. 5 years? Maybe more? Ah, the flaws of our education system. Asking an 18 year old to decide on what they want to be, who they want to be, nope, not buying it. I’ve made some mistakes and bad choices but someone recently said to me, “we learn from these things,” and I suppose they were right. I know they were right.

And yet I’ve never had clear visions of where I want to be. Sometimes it’s as if everyone but myself has that one thing that aspire towards, that one thing that means more or they are naturally better at. I don’t. I don’t have that one thing that drives me. And it occasionally makes me wonder if I’m somehow a little broken. I guess we all are. Or do people just fall so into something, it becomes their focus and maybe that makes *them* a little broken?

It’s all a little hazy. It feel somehow out of reach, to have a goal when even tomorrow is unpredictable. I suppose the sensible answer is that I’d like to have a job, have a husband, kids maybe? Definitely travelling the world at least once a year. All the usual things that make life, life. A life to me at least.

8 February 2017.

I started this post a long time ago and I’ve left it as it is. But my entire perspective has changed and I have changed. The death of someone close to me has made me so aware of certain things – Namely, that where I’ll be and who I’ll be in the future does not matter. What does matter is that I have the people I love around me for always, that I strive to maintain our relationships no matter the distance between us, that I put in the effort to reach out to people.

It’s an astonishing thing to realise how lacking you are in certain ways. I am somehow stronger after losing this person, but at the same time I look to myself and wonder if I will be able to hold onto this clarity I have on how to better myself as a person as time moves on. Because it’s going to shape me to some degree and then I will drift along again, aimless. And I will be numb. And soon the reality of life will hit again and I will lose another that I love. And the cycle will start again.

This is the reality of the life we will live and to try to forget. Death surrounds us. It is inevitable. And it is when you think of death that you realise who you want to be. Because the person you leave behind is all you will be remembered by. No amount of distraction will take away our inevitable.

So:

Future: Where do you want your future self to be? What do you want to overcome, what characteristics of yourself do you want to do away with?

I am tired. In my soul. I haven’t reached even a quarter of a century but the earth is full of vileness and hatred. And it makes me tired. I want my future self to be self-aware. Of herself. Of others. Of what others are going through. Putting herself in a place where she is able to help others. I don’t want to overcome things, I want to be able to learn to live with what surrounds us and shapes us. And I want to be able to live with the choices I make when life throws something at me. I would like to overcome two things that come to mind though: 1. My procrastination skills. 2. My ego.

I want to have a balance in my life. Just walk down the middle road and be content with what is given to me. That is it. Just be content with what you have.

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I Climb a Tree

3/30. Hey, I may not be so good at this 30 day writing challenge business but I’m still doing it. That counts, right!? Once again, unedited and glorious. Read on, my good fellows.

What stories do you know of your ancestors? What traits do you admire in them. What do you want future generations to to remember about you? What do you want to be known for when you leave this world?

So. To tell you of my history. I could start with specifics but I don’t like specifics. So I won’t be telling you any (that’s a lie, I love specifics). But anyhow, history. I know some of my ancestry. The problem I find is that no-one likes to speak ill of the dead, least of all loved ones and so what we learn of history is shrouded in this utopian version of whatever made these people human. And so, I do not have any specifics (I really like this word today).

But, my ancestors were traders. They journeyed across an ocean and persevered and became wealthy merchants, who did good for the world. They set up some of the first  educational facilities in that part of the world. I love that part. And then there is the part that I’m not so fond of. And my parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles all tell it the same way. These people became arrogant with their wealth and lost their senses. And so all of their wealth was taken from them. And then a murky history of war in the country and terrible living conditions and then my grandparents who gave up their lives and their homes to move to the UK to give their children a better future. And God, how they suffered. I’ve suffered racism but nothing to the extent they did. And knew the meaning of hard work and I feel like my generation have mostly forgotten. Because everything I have in my life came from their sacrifice.

So. History has it’s bad. And we’re humans, so we’ll never learn from it (I live in hope). And then there are the parts which inspire you to be better, to do better, to live better. How do I want future generations to remember me? I can’t give you specifics (drat, the darn word again) but I know I’d like to think that my descendants will think of me in the same vein that I think of my parents and grandparents. I’ve got a long way to go till I become that person. But I want to be known for being someone who made a change in the world, small or big, and never betrayed her principles to make it.

 

I Venture Out

I often have thought that writing challenges are nonsensical. How does one force themselves to write? And yet I find myself thinking of doing just that.
Strange what circumstance makes of us. This is my first post in which I, myself, am writing as me, and after such a long hiatus too, but is that not the state of a human being? That they evolve and change? With the wind pushing in one direction and then another. And another. And another.
Maybe I am just trying to justify the changes that I am going through right now but I feel that now is the time to let my wings free and venture into the unknown. And believe me, I am not one to venture out of my comfort zone.
Here’s to new ways. And hopefully better ways.

(I look at this post and despair of how many times I’ve written ‘I’.)

I Dream of Bliss

A dead heart.
Blackened and rusted, these sins have darkened
every crevice

and the gates of hell are closed
and burning embers flee for a moment,

Eyes shut. To charred flesh giving way for Gardens of Bliss
if only the chance is taken,

While the devils are chained up
and the gates of hell are closed.

Life can return to the dead and flaking heart.

 

I Fight Demons

There is a voice in my head that tells me only You can fill my heart
and the demons inside me fight it.

And I fight the demons

Knowing their whispers bring my destruction.

Sowing seeds of doubt, delicate stitching,

With thin, black string warping the tendrils of my heart
and thoughts flitting past,

I cannot catch them.

Fearing the day the blackness within me finds it’s way to my tongue,
after all, the soul emerges through conversation
and the tongue is a powerful weapon that can sow your destruction.

And I need to find the strength to fight them.