I, I, I Brigade

I am…Me. Simple as that. How do you choose a single word to describe your personality? Every day, every hour, I change. Sometimes I become someone who I don’t recognise and other times, I feel so secure within myself that nothing can hurt me.

But those times are often few and far between. Generally I am drowning in my fears, in the feeling of being adrift and not knowing where I am and how I am. Knowing what I must do to improve myself and yet lacking the zeal to push and push forward to become something meaningful.

Life is full of purpose and yet I am listless. I guess that makes me somewhat of a coward…

Coward (n.) a person who is contemptibly lacking in the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.

So, maybe not. I don’t mind unpleasantness or danger, more so that I am stuck within my brain. My life happens there. The downside of being introverted. Maybe. Or maybe I should just leave off this idea that life needs to be rigidly structured to succeed and that will make me better, make me stronger.

You see, I know me. I know who I am. I know the stepping stones in front of me. And I know that I must pull of the best of me and push back against that part of me that is lazy to live in the real world. Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am,” but I am, therefore I think. Thinking only gets you so far. Put into practise what you know and doors that are ajar will swing wide open. That that can be your success.

The images in my mind, my life in my mind become me as a writer. I see colours, vivid and fierce, I hear the winds howl, brush across my face. I taste the rain, lean towards the sun but sway towards the dark. Thoughts go round and round, endlessly circling and never really reaching a conclusion. And you see that within my work, often, as my own peril. What I write is not also as tethered as it should be. You see it in this post.

But me, I am me, and there is no single word to describe my personality. It is ever changing. That’s one thing I can always count on – I’m human.

I feel that in the spirit of full disclosure, I should point out that I did look around at different 30 day writing challenges and have decided to pick and choose what to write about. There’s a part of me that wants to pause already. But onwards and upwards. Let’s get to it.(Also wondering if it is at all clever to start this when I have 2000 words of assignment to complete in five days).
Day 1. Branding: What single word describes your personality? How does it affect you as a writer? Are you whimsical, gregarious or fierce?

I Venture Out

I often have thought that writing challenges are nonsensical. How does one force themselves to write? And yet I find myself thinking of doing just that.
Strange what circumstance makes of us. This is my first post in which I, myself, am writing as me, and after such a long hiatus too, but is that not the state of a human being? That they evolve and change? With the wind pushing in one direction and then another. And another. And another.
Maybe I am just trying to justify the changes that I am going through right now but I feel that now is the time to let my wings free and venture into the unknown. And believe me, I am not one to venture out of my comfort zone.
Here’s to new ways. And hopefully better ways.

(I look at this post and despair of how many times I’ve written ‘I’.)

I Dream of Bliss

A dead heart.
Blackened and rusted, these sins have darkened
every crevice

and the gates of hell are closed
and burning embers flee for a moment,

Eyes shut. To charred flesh giving way for Gardens of Bliss
if only the chance is taken,

While the devils are chained up
and the gates of hell are closed.

Life can return to the dead and flaking heart.

 

I Fight Demons

There is a voice in my head that tells me only You can fill my heart
and the demons inside me fight it.

And I fight the demons

Knowing their whispers bring my destruction.

Sowing seeds of doubt, delicate stitching,

With thin, black string warping the tendrils of my heart
and thoughts flitting past,

I cannot catch them.

Fearing the day the blackness within me finds it’s way to my tongue,
after all, the soul emerges through conversation
and the tongue is a powerful weapon that can sow your destruction.

And I need to find the strength to fight them.

I Flounder

A path weaved of many paths,
Borne from the actions of one and the thoughts of another.

Labyrinthine.

Twisting and turning, carving, walls towering, ensnared from every side, keenly observing. Which path? What will be and what will become of me?

Valleys sweeping low through the hillside, paving the way through dense fog, stumbling. Or climbing, over dark and heady air, breathe and breathe again, in and out.

Inhale the the sweetness of the coolness surrounding me.  A warm embrace guiding through the unknown, so many paths to the one destination.

I am not convinced of the path ahead. Two steps left, one step right. A puzzle missing pieces, no victory, no conclusion in site.

Yet to stand still with so many opportunities. Only a fool stands still.

Take the first step.

I Fill My Heart

He never disappoints,
No, never.

His Love drowns you until you weep for reasons
that reason does not understand,
A bundle of flesh and blood crying out to your Lord,
‘Let me love You! And fill my heart with You!
You never disappoint! No, never!’

Time passes as through a sieve,
Months and years pass as moments
until that moment is life.
And people come and go, and people love,
but people lack the strength to fill my heart.

He never disappoints.
No, never.