Tag Archives: Thoughts

I Want No Distractions

11 October 2016.

Well I think it’s safe to say I lost my way a little.  30 day prompt has turned into quite a few months (9 months, but who’s counting) prompt. But not to fear, I’ve found my way back (for now). I suppose in some ways the timing is just right for this.

4/30. Future: Where do you want your future self to be? What do you want to overcome, what characteristics of yourself do you want to do away with?

I think I’m a little strange. I don’t think of where I want to be in the future. Sure, some things (quite a few things) about me I want to improve, my relationships, my sense of self, but where I’ll be… I just kind of float along with wherever life takes me. It’s a funny thing. Final year of university and everyone asks ‘so what are your plans?’ and they’re met with my blank face and a sheepish ‘I have not a clue’. And I truly don’t.

It’s  question that has been swimming around in my thoughts for quite some time. 5 years? Maybe more? Ah, the flaws of our education system. Asking an 18 year old to decide on what they want to be, who they want to be, nope, not buying it. I’ve made some mistakes and bad choices but someone recently said to me, “we learn from these things,” and I suppose they were right. I know they were right.

And yet I’ve never had clear visions of where I want to be. Sometimes it’s as if everyone but myself has that one thing that aspire towards, that one thing that means more or they are naturally better at. I don’t. I don’t have that one thing that drives me. And it occasionally makes me wonder if I’m somehow a little broken. I guess we all are. Or do people just fall so into something, it becomes their focus and maybe that makes *them* a little broken?

It’s all a little hazy. It feel somehow out of reach, to have a goal when even tomorrow is unpredictable. I suppose the sensible answer is that I’d like to have a job, have a husband, kids maybe? Definitely travelling the world at least once a year. All the usual things that make life, life. A life to me at least.

8 February 2017.

I started this post a long time ago and I’ve left it as it is. But my entire perspective has changed and I have changed. The death of someone close to me has made me so aware of certain things – Namely, that where I’ll be and who I’ll be in the future does not matter. What does matter is that I have the people I love around me for always, that I strive to maintain our relationships no matter the distance between us, that I put in the effort to reach out to people.

It’s an astonishing thing to realise how lacking you are in certain ways. I am somehow stronger after losing this person, but at the same time I look to myself and wonder if I will be able to hold onto this clarity I have on how to better myself as a person as time moves on. Because it’s going to shape me to some degree and then I will drift along again, aimless. And I will be numb. And soon the reality of life will hit again and I will lose another that I love. And the cycle will start again.

This is the reality of the life we will live and to try to forget. Death surrounds us. It is inevitable. And it is when you think of death that you realise who you want to be. Because the person you leave behind is all you will be remembered by. No amount of distraction will take away our inevitable.

So:

Future: Where do you want your future self to be? What do you want to overcome, what characteristics of yourself do you want to do away with?

I am tired. In my soul. I haven’t reached even a quarter of a century but the earth is full of vileness and hatred. And it makes me tired. I want my future self to be self-aware. Of herself. Of others. Of what others are going through. Putting herself in a place where she is able to help others. I don’t want to overcome things, I want to be able to learn to live with what surrounds us and shapes us. And I want to be able to live with the choices I make when life throws something at me. I would like to overcome two things that come to mind though: 1. My procrastination skills. 2. My ego.

I want to have a balance in my life. Just walk down the middle road and be content with what is given to me. That is it. Just be content with what you have.

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I Climb a Tree

3/30. Hey, I may not be so good at this 30 day writing challenge business but I’m still doing it. That counts, right!? Once again, unedited and glorious. Read on, my good fellows.

What stories do you know of your ancestors? What traits do you admire in them. What do you want future generations to to remember about you? What do you want to be known for when you leave this world?

So. To tell you of my history. I could start with specifics but I don’t like specifics. So I won’t be telling you any (that’s a lie, I love specifics). But anyhow, history. I know some of my ancestry. The problem I find is that no-one likes to speak ill of the dead, least of all loved ones and so what we learn of history is shrouded in this utopian version of whatever made these people human. And so, I do not have any specifics (I really like this word today).

But, my ancestors were traders. They journeyed across an ocean and persevered and became wealthy merchants, who did good for the world. They set up some of the first  educational facilities in that part of the world. I love that part. And then there is the part that I’m not so fond of. And my parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles all tell it the same way. These people became arrogant with their wealth and lost their senses. And so all of their wealth was taken from them. And then a murky history of war in the country and terrible living conditions and then my grandparents who gave up their lives and their homes to move to the UK to give their children a better future. And God, how they suffered. I’ve suffered racism but nothing to the extent they did. And knew the meaning of hard work and I feel like my generation have mostly forgotten. Because everything I have in my life came from their sacrifice.

So. History has it’s bad. And we’re humans, so we’ll never learn from it (I live in hope). And then there are the parts which inspire you to be better, to do better, to live better. How do I want future generations to remember me? I can’t give you specifics (drat, the darn word again) but I know I’d like to think that my descendants will think of me in the same vein that I think of my parents and grandparents. I’ve got a long way to go till I become that person. But I want to be known for being someone who made a change in the world, small or big, and never betrayed her principles to make it.

 

I Eat A Burger

Here I sit, 2am, severely sleep deprived after 2 days with less than 3 hours sleep, eating a burger. And it dawns on me that this writing challenge business has flown right out my mind. And so I take a look at my writing prompt:

Happiness: What is your own secret for happiness? If you had to sum up your ideas, what one word would you use to describe how to be truly happy?

Ah, such deep thoughts for 2am. Happiness for me, at this precise moment, is eating this burger that is undoubtedly not healthy but tastes delicious in all it’s fatty goodness. My mind is drifting to thoughts of my parents who are currently away on holiday. Happiness for me is hearing their voices, knowing they are safe, seeing their smiles. I do miss them. Happiness is being surrounded by those who love you, despite all your shortcomings, of which there are many. Unconditional love. It’s humbling.

Despite the absurdity of this question, and I’ll tell you why it is absurd, I know the secret for happiness. And sometimes I look at the world with humans who wear masks even in front of themselves, refusing to just accept and be at peace, I think of how happiness eludes so many, even when they seem to be happy. That is a presumptuous stance, no doubt, but I see so many chasing the world and the world leaves them in the dust. And so, I would like to propose to the world at large, the secret for happiness.

The secret for happiness is not to be happy at all. No, it is not. The secret is to be content. And no, I don’t mean the type of contentment that comes from coming home after a long day and putting your feet up with a cup of tea/coffee (although tea/coffee brings a form of contentment in it’s own right). I’m talking about that deep-seated contentment that travels through your entire being and when you look at your life, all you see are the trinkets with which you have been gifted. Contentment is being satisfied with what you have, not looking for the next big fad, here, now, I close my eyes and I am content.

The thing is, I’m not happy with every part of me, I am a work in progress. And I will undoubtedly be a work in progress until my very last breath. But you don’t need perfection to be content and these two are so often conflated with the other that crowds become mindless zombies, pushing to become whatever society deems perfect at the time. Society will ask of you and ask of you and ask of you. And you will give and you will give and you will give until you are an empty shell, the living dead. So. Forget society. Be content with who you are, warts and all.

I said of the absurdity of this question. You cannot sum up in one word how to be happy. But perhaps you can: Contentment. For me, that is through recognising the infinite blessings in my life.

And so, I sit here with my burger, at 2.35am, severely sleep-deprived and I am tired.

But content.

[Please accept this in all it’s unedited glory. Unconditional love is beautiful, did I mention that.]

 

I Cave In

With gritted teeth I tear at my chest and dig
bits of bone and flesh flying
only to find the heart empty.

And through tear filled eyes I blink at the remains,
blurred feet and blood pooling.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

And so there is nothing to do
but stitch together the remains.
The thread protrudes, scars bold and evasive
but the thread is strong
the mould holding

And so to the sky, tear filled, hazy eyes
                               I let the air brush my cheek
   gently
And mournful howls rustle the leaves
                                 the  heart  is  pounding

And you latch on to the moment
This cavity feels full once again.

I, I, I Brigade

I am…Me. Simple as that. How do you choose a single word to describe your personality? Every day, every hour, I change. Sometimes I become someone who I don’t recognise and other times, I feel so secure within myself that nothing can hurt me.

But those times are often few and far between. Generally I am drowning in my fears, in the feeling of being adrift and not knowing where I am and how I am. Knowing what I must do to improve myself and yet lacking the zeal to push and push forward to become something meaningful.

Life is full of purpose and yet I am listless. I guess that makes me somewhat of a coward…

Coward (n.) a person who is contemptibly lacking in the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.

So, maybe not. I don’t mind unpleasantness or danger, more so that I am stuck within my brain. My life happens there. The downside of being introverted. Maybe. Or maybe I should just leave off this idea that life needs to be rigidly structured to succeed and that will make me better, make me stronger.

You see, I know me. I know who I am. I know the stepping stones in front of me. And I know that I must pull of the best of me and push back against that part of me that is lazy to live in the real world. Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am,” but I am, therefore I think. Thinking only gets you so far. Put into practise what you know and doors that are ajar will swing wide open. That that can be your success.

The images in my mind, my life in my mind become me as a writer. I see colours, vivid and fierce, I hear the winds howl, brush across my face. I taste the rain, lean towards the sun but sway towards the dark. Thoughts go round and round, endlessly circling and never really reaching a conclusion. And you see that within my work, often, as my own peril. What I write is not also as tethered as it should be. You see it in this post.

But me, I am me, and there is no single word to describe my personality. It is ever changing. That’s one thing I can always count on – I’m human.

I feel that in the spirit of full disclosure, I should point out that I did look around at different 30 day writing challenges and have decided to pick and choose what to write about. There’s a part of me that wants to pause already. But onwards and upwards. Let’s get to it.(Also wondering if it is at all clever to start this when I have 2000 words of assignment to complete in five days).
Day 1. Branding: What single word describes your personality? How does it affect you as a writer? Are you whimsical, gregarious or fierce?

I Venture Out

I often have thought that writing challenges are nonsensical. How does one force themselves to write? And yet I find myself thinking of doing just that.
Strange what circumstance makes of us. This is my first post in which I, myself, am writing as me, and after such a long hiatus too, but is that not the state of a human being? That they evolve and change? With the wind pushing in one direction and then another. And another. And another.
Maybe I am just trying to justify the changes that I am going through right now but I feel that now is the time to let my wings free and venture into the unknown. And believe me, I am not one to venture out of my comfort zone.
Here’s to new ways. And hopefully better ways.

(I look at this post and despair of how many times I’ve written ‘I’.)